By: Alecia Hodges

October 2, 2024 

I have now endured what it feels like to be both despised and wanted, but I cannot seem to separate the two. It is painful to witness a world that once treated me as somewhat of an ornament. Fit to be hung upon evergreen. Now, they discard me as a mere trinket. I have twice been stepped upon. Cracked open once. The invisibility of my youth is slowly fading. Now, I have met a world that wants to put me under a bright light, with a blurry lens, only to mock and shame the image that appears. 

But who am I to complain when so many humans are invisible?

I must accept some responsibility for this conundrum; I hold treasures inside of my skin. I do this to protect them. I do not owe this explanation to anyone. I am giving it away for free. We are not just blood, bones, and flesh. I can feel. I can even feel my thoughts. They have grown greenish gray with worry that I am becoming only a spectacle. Still, I somehow feel that I should be grateful that I can be seen at all. So many humans are invisible. 

I am halfway done with my final semester of law school. Most classes, I just sit there, often trying my best to focus under the almost surgical lighting. I listen to some students. It seems as though they like to ask deeply disingenuous questions. They are allowed to make remarks that seek to discredit my worthiness to sit in the same room as them. I sigh. I can even feel my thoughts. 

I candidly wonder how some of them will be able to represent the vulnerable when they have so much detestation for their own peer. I do not owe an explanation to anyone. I will not keep giving away for free. 

Still, I am troubled for both myself and the invisible clientele they have yet to truly meet. I am not interested in being an attorney. But, I worry about my own clientele too. Will I meet them? I want to recognize they are there. Too many humans are invisible. 

I hold tight to my great hopes for the future. I now know what it feels like to be despised and wanted. Yet, I cannot seem to separate the two.